Thank You Chris Hansen, You’re Our Hero

A couple of days ago I did the “Carlton Banks” dance in front of my girlfriend, and I botched the already bad dance so bad that my girlfriend didn’t even recognize it. Hours later, her and I became the last people in the entire world to find out about the Alfonso Ribeiro (who played Carlton) death hoax. Before I realized that it wasn’t true, I had one of those moments where you lose all sense of logic and think “did I somehow cause that?”

I’d completely forgotten about that otherwise insignificant event yesterday, when I bought an album off iTunes called “SupeRecord” by a group called “The Feelings Hijackers.” Several years ago The Presidents of the United States of America combined efforts with Sir Mix-A-Lot to form a group called “Subset.” The group would break up before recording an album, but Chris Ballew, PUSA’s front man, and the only non-star member of Subset—Mike “Outtasite” Singleton formed TFH. I’ve only been able to get my hands on one of their albums, so the 21 track close-to-double album on iTunes was something of a revelation.

But before I Kevin Bacon my way to explaining that since Sir Mix-A-Lot and PUSA both performed two of the most iconic Sonics related songs, I’d like to say, I don’t take credit for bringing the Sonics back. That all belongs to Chris Hansen.

Today’s a really great day. Several months ago, and what feels like years ago I wrote about this angel investor named Christopher Hansen. He was a mystery man, but his intentions were good. It was exciting, but I don’t think I was the only one who reserved my excitement.

The past couple of months have been surreal. We’ve gotten to know the mystery man. We’ve grown to love Chris Hansen. A guy whose name we didn’t know a year ago is now a guy that causes us to curse Seattle’s one remaining newspaper for misportraying.

But Hansen has been amazing. He’s fended off criticism like the protagonist of a really bad karate movie fends off gang members, one at a time, calm, cool, and collected.

It’s been an awful four years for Sonics fans. We’ve had to hear horrible things said about a fanbase that I believe to be one of the best in the country, and perhaps the very best in the city, with apologies to Seahawks and Sounders fans. We’ve had to watch our former team come close to the ultimate NBA glory. And we haven’t been allowed to like them. How fucking likeable can a team be before we just have to like them?

But we hate them. We really hate them.

The day after the Thunder made it to the finals I called Kris “Sonics Guy” Brannon. He talked me down from the ledge. It was a miserable day. Too many cliches about ex girlfriends were made.

But here we are. We have our new girlfriend, officially, kind of. I mean, she’s not our wife just yet, she still wants to live together, and she will probably do some annoying shit like wake us up when we’re snoring, or putting the peanut butter in the fridge, but still, we love her. We have always loved her.

Two weeks ago when I was interviewing Greg Mockos about the Emerald City Supporters I kept thinking about how fucking awesome it will be inside of Key Arena and the future San Francisco Hedge Fund Manager Arena when the Sonics come back. How awesome it will be to go to Seattle on a weekend day in May and watch a Mariners and Sonics game in the same day. How awesome it will be to leave Seattle with newly funded traffic infrastructure. How awesome it will be to sit at one of the new Seattle bars that crop up as the “Sonics” home bar.

Thank you Sonicsgate.

Thank you Bring Back Our Sonics.

Thank you Sonics Guy for being everywhere in Tacoma, and sometimes in Seattle.

Thank you Mike McGinn and Dow Constantine.

Thank you Seattle City Council and King County Council, you got it right this time.

Thank you Steve Balmer and the Norstrom brothers.

Thank you to all of the activists that made it hard for an arena to be built that wasn’t beneficial to the city.

Thank you to all of the activists that made it hard for the city to ignore the importance of the Sonics to the citizens of Seattle.

And thank you Christopher Hansen. Every great story has a hero. Every great team has a hero. Every great city has a hero. Today, and for many days in the future, Chris Hansen, you’re our hero.