The Mariners Lose Coming Off the All Star Break, There is Little Rejoicing

The Mariners haven’t changed one damn bit over the All-Star break.

I’m taking my introductory sentence writing cues from the super-objective writers over a the Seattle Times editorial board. The Mariners struggled tonight. They struggled approaching the All Star break. And they have struggled for 10 years. Whatever. I’m tired of talking about struggle.

We’ve struggled to put content up over the break. Part of that is because I decided I’d take a bit of a break myself. Another part of that is because my laptop broke and early-July is a perennially slow time in sports.

That being said, the Mariners struggled today.

Kevin Millwood pitched alright. He pitched really well early and a lot less well later at points. That’s the Kevin Millwood I know. He’s alright sometimes. That should be on Kevin Millwood’s headstone when his unfortunate passing finally occurs: Kevin Millwood was alright, and was best known for being a notch above-average for a long time.

Millwood will probably go run for office in some southern state now, and ruin my whole fun poking at upper-mediocrity.

The Mariners had no extra base hits today. That’s not good. Because the All Star break is the unofficial midway point of the season, we tend to hear all kinds of weird stats at this time.

“The Mariners rank among the middle or top or bottom of the pack in runs at home, on the road, in night games, in day games, in games amid marine layers, and games amid bad-mustache wearing pitchers” (That last one is actually untrue, and Derek Holland was clean shaven tonight, and the night he gave up eight runs in less than two innings against the Mariners)

“Kyle Seager has the most two out RBIs, somebody else has the most RBIs with one out on a 1-2 count with a Japanese guy on second base, and John Jaso has gone from a guy who was proving once again that he can hack it at the plate, to a guy that is some sort of quasi-Pat-Borders.”


The Mariners are bad. We knew the Mariners would be bad. I thought John Jaso would be good, and I was right. I though Dustin Ackley would be good, Justin Smoak would be better than awful, Jesus Montero would be hidden from the perils of catching, and that Kyle Seager was a utility player. Right now only Kyle Seager is doing me any favors.

Ackley went 0-5 tonight with two strikeouts. In Ackley’s defense, he swung at only one pitch during his second strikeout, and Joe Nathan threw absolutely nothing in the strikezone, but Ackley was in an 0-2 hole after two pitches nonetheless. He swung at a really well located slider low in the strikezone and off the plate inside. It looked like a low and inside fastball to Ackley, I’m sure. The equivalent for a normal human being to that pitch would be flour and yeast baked, and served with the byproduct of churning cow milk until it separates from liquid.

And that’s a really dickish way to say bread and butter.

Alright, I’ll be better soon. Mikey tried to go watch Mike Zunino today and the baseball gods hate him. I’ll be gone the next two days from a recapping standpoint, and many of the days after that too.

  • Anonymous

    The M’s are not as bad as the original plague, their crapism is infectious but usually not fatal.  Obviously there hasn’t been a doctor in the house for some significant time.  Some should have been sent to Tacoma for treatment, but no it didn’t happen.  Some will blame it on Obamacare, I think it more about Idon’tcare.  I think I’m coming down a case.  Booze is the only answer to who cares?