Brandon Morrow Baffles Mariners Hitters, Iwakuma Baffles Mariners Fans

Today the Mariners played, which is pretty hard to believe if you’ve been part of my world the past couple days. I have two games waiting on my DVR, more empty Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPAs than I’d like to admit to, and a girlfriend who isn’t as happy with me as she could be, because I’ve been focused on a bunch of college kids instead of her for basically the entire weekend. Luckily she’s taking a nap so I’m going to take a second to write a recap on the Mariners game today.

Today was another game I didn’t get to watch much of, which is probably good when I see the 7-0 final score. Add in that former Mariner draftee Brandon Morrow was there, and that one of Jack Zduriencik’s only moves that included both bad process and bad results was on display front and center, and I’m pretty glad I missed it.

Brandon Morrow pitched his balls off. Whoops. Better yet, Brandon Morrow pitched his balls off of Mariners bats. The Mariners missed a lot of Brandon Morrow’s balls. Brandon Morrow is better than Brandon League. It’s a sad truth we have to live with.

And Morrow didn’t even walk anyone. He struck out nine hitters in six innings, walked zero, and missed sixteen bats.

The young guys have continued to hit though. Or at least some of them. Michael Saunders had a hard-hit double to right field, and Kyle Seager had a double of which I don’t know the quality. He got to second base on it though. I know that.

Justin Smoak saw 25 pitches. Justin Smoak is really struggling right now, and I don’t know if seeing 25 pitches is me trying to put a positive spin on it, or if it is actually hurting Smoak. He struck out twice today, which accounts for at least six of the pitches, and while I think that Smoak has a pretty good eye, he may need to stop looking at so many pitches. At this point it is becoming a possibility that Smoak will end up being the odd man out and headed to Tacoma when Mike Carp is healthy.

Yesterday I said that Blake Beavan Beavaned. Well, perhaps he Millwooded. Kevin Millwood pitched today, and in my twisted brain there is a closer relation between Kevin Millwood and Blake Beavan than there is between any of the three Segui’s who have stepped on a Seattle Mariners home field (remember David’s little guy threw out the first pitch at Safeco).

I feel like Blake Beavan doesn’t even want to play baseball, or have a stupid looking goatee, but when he sees his father Kevin Millwood grinding out a couple extra million dollars at the end of his career he feels compelled to grind with him. Blake Beavan is helping his family. The family I’ve created for him in my brain.

We may be beginning to see why Hisashi Iwakuma didn’t make it into the rotation. He’s probably a below-average pitcher. He won’t miss many bats, and he’s prone to make the Edwin Encarnacions of the world look like Jose Bautista every now and then.

Speaking of Jose Bautista, I can’t begin to describe how jealous I am of the beard he grows. It’s thick like a wirebrush, and appears to grow very fast. I say this as a bearded man, but I grow about a one-win beard. It’s a little above readily available. It’s ok. Jose Bautista grows the Babe Ruth of beards.

I’m pretty sure that Jose Bautista has to shave every other inning. I imagine that when you meet Jose Bautista and look deep into his beard you are whisked away to a world where he’s the spokesman for an overrated beer that he doesn’t always drink, but that he prefers to drink when he drinks beer. In a roundabout way, I’m pretty sure I just called Jose Bautista a pussy. Give me your beard pussy.

  • Anonymous

    A bit of hirsute hyperbole methinks and hyperbole is overrated by definition.  I was going to point out that in addition to League we also landed Joherymn Chavez who went 4X4 yesterday in Jackson.  However on looking at his production this season I’m forced to admit that Z got hosed on that swap. (But not as bad as Cashman and the Yankees did it would seem.  Has he got the perfect name for a Yankees GM or what?)  Unless he ups his game Carp coming back will not be a good thing.  We should offer Iwakuma to the A’s for whatever and swap Kawasaki and Ryan out, send Smoak down to find his stroke and split 1B/DH between Montero, Jaso and Carp.  If Carp can’t cut it send him after Smoak.